


grief isn't power

by peteyparkour



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Canon Compliant, POV Peter Parker, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), So yeah, and finally finished it, and i love the general idea of it, basically i started this months ago, it kinda sucks but i worked really hard on it, its the funeral scene, so here it is!!, well kind of in endgame?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-16
Updated: 2019-10-16
Packaged: 2020-12-17 08:23:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21051305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peteyparkour/pseuds/peteyparkour
Summary: peter goes to tony stark's funeral, but he doesn't feel like he should be there.shuri's also there, and she finds him when he's alone.and it's a good thing she did.





	grief isn't power

I can't tell if the world is blurring or if it's just my eyes.

I'm following Aunt May –_am I? Or is it Miss Potts? No, this woman's hair is brown. Miss Potts doesn't have brown hair, she has blonde, Aunt May has brown hair, follow Aunt May_– outside, and I feel my feet carry me down the foreign steps, onto the grass, out to the pond. I unintentionally find myself looking around, and my eyes land on a small play-set. _Morgan's_. Another sob chokes out of me, a painful sound that makes my chest feel like it's going to crumble.

Aunt May wraps her arms around me in silent comfort as more people fill the lawn. My eyes are glued to the end of the dock, and I see a tall figure step somewhat in front of me. I don't process that someone's there until a few seconds later, and once I do I slowly bring my eyes up. Cap stands in front of me, his head hung low and his shoulders shaking as they move up and down. _Is he crying?_

A flash of blonde hair passing me breaks me out of the thought and I'm suddenly brought back to the present. Morgan holds tightly onto one of her hands, and her other is occupied by a large flower bouquet. Miss Potts makes her way to the front of the dock, Rhodey and Happy following close behind. I'm almost sure that someone is talking, but I can't focus enough to catch on. The world blurs again and my ears drown in silence, my body trembling without moving. Aunt May rests a stable hand on my shoulder and I fall into the soft touch. It's the only thing keeping me somewhat grounded.

Miss Potts places the bouquet with the arc reactor into the water and I watch it float off, leaving a small wake of petals behind. After a few minutes, some people around me begin to move as they make their way back inside or to another part of the yard, but I stay still. I can't move– it feels like I'm stuck, and even though I know I can move, I know I can leave, I can take my eyes off the bouquet, off the arc reactor, at the same time I know I can't. Aunt May lightly nudges my shoulder in an attempt to move me from my rigid position, but just I can't move. 

_It's all just too much, _I think I tell Aunt May, but I can't tell what's in my head and what's real anymore.

It's the one second of thoughts that comes after the sentence I possibly told May that finally breaks me right down the middle. 

_It hurts._

_I don't know_–

_I don't know what to do._

_It doesn't feel real._

_Am I really here?_

_I shouldn't be here._

"Then let's go home, baby. You don't need to stay."

_I just–_

_I don't know what to do, May._

_I should be doing something._

_I shouldn't be feeling like this._

_I should be helping, I should be helping Miss Potts, or Morgan, or Happy._

_They need the help, I was just an intern, I shouldn't feel like thi–_

"Don't say that, Pete. You and I both know the relationship you two had. You're allowed to grieve. Honestly, I'd be worried if you _weren't _grieving over Tony. I'm grieving too. The whole world's grieving. You're allowed to feel this way."

_I just feel like I shouldn't, May._

_I'm at Mr. Stark's house, with Mr. Stark's friends, with his family: his wife, his daughter._

_There's all of them, and then there's me–_

"You say that as if you weren't family to him, Peter. Stop denying your mourning. He was a father figure to you."

_It just doesn't feel right._

_I can't feel my legs._

_Or my face._

_I feel like I'm floating, but it's not in a good way._

_I kind of feel like I'm gonna throw up._

_I think I'm gonna throw up._

"Oh– okay, like, right now?"

_I don't know._

_I don't know, May._

_I–_

_I feel like–_

_I feel–_

"You feel what, honey?"

_Can I sit down?_

_I think I need to sit down, I can't feel my legs, am I sitting?_

"You're standing, Pete. We can sit down if you want. Do you want some water?"

_Water?_

"Yeah, water. Do you want me to get you some?"

_Uh, yeah, yes please. _

"Ice?"

_If that's okay._

"Of course it's okay. I'll be right back, okay? Stay right here. Take some deep breaths."

_Deep breaths._

_Okay._

May walks away, and I'm trying to take deep breaths as I look out across the pond. My heart is pounding way too hard against my chest. It feels like it's crawling up my throat, waiting to pounce, waiting to explode. _Deep breaths_, my mind tries to remind me, but it's too late. My breathing shallows, and the pond begins to spin, and then the rest of the area begins to spin and I can't get it to stop, I can't stop, I'm spinning and I'm definitely going to throw up now and I go to call for Mr. Stark and then I remember that he's not here, he's the reason I'm here, he's gone, I can't call for him anymore, I'm stuck here and I can't move and everything's spinning and now the edges of my vision are getting darker and I can't breathe and–

"Hey, hey, are you okay?"

The voice is foreign and I can't see where it's coming from, but it sounds like it's coming from every side of me, circling me like a cyclone. I jump from the abrupt noise and whip my head around, trying to find the origin, but it isn't until a feel a gentle touch on my knee when I find it.

"Hey, it's okay, calm down. Are you okay?" 

I turn my head to the voice and find myself meeting a pair of soft, brown eyes. Her hair is tied in an intricate bun on the top of her head, and some thick strands have fallen to frame her chestnut skin. My mind wants to connect the face to a name, but it can't– in any other situation, I'd be able to, but I just can't place her. I go to try to nod my head at her question, not trusting my words to tell her, when she moves her hand from my knee to my arm.

"I'm sorry, that was a dumb question. Obviously you're not okay if you're having a panic attack alone on Tony Stark's lawn. That's probably a given." She pauses to let out a puff of air that most likely was meant to be a laugh at herself before continuing. "I'm Shuri. I'm from Wakanda."

_Princess Shuri._ Of course it's Princess Shuri. How didn't I figure that out on my own?

"I suppose if you want to use the technical term, yes, I'm Princess Shuri. But there's no need for that." She gives me a small smile, and I scrunch my eyes in confusion. I realize quickly that I spoke out loud when I finally connected who she was.

"So, may I ask what's wrong? You seem pretty distraught," Shuri asks gently, slowly moving to sit to my left. Her dress crinkles and creases under her movement, but Shuri either doesn't notice or she doesn't care.

_I just–_

_Mr. Stark and I were pretty close and I'm not..._

_I'm not holding up too well without him._

"What's your name?" She asks, her voice coming out soft but sounding like there's more to the question than what the simple words suggest.

_Peter Parker._

"Oh my God, _you're _Peter," she says under her breath, and before I know it I'm wrapped in a hug. Her dress is feels velvety against my skin, and though the embrace is a bit awkward due to us sitting, Shuri holds me tight in her arms. 

"I'm so sorry," she whispers into my ear. "I know what it feels like to lose a father."

I make a small sound of confusion as she pulls out of the hug, and her eyes drip of both tears and sympathy. 

_What... what do you mean?_

"My father passed in an accident three –or I guess eight, now– years ago. It was painful. I know how you're feeling, and I'm so sorry."

_I don't mean to sound rude, Shuri, but Mr. Stark wasn't my dad._

"Maybe not, but the relationship you two had was like a father-and-son relationship. I never got to meet Tony myself, but even T'Challa spoke of the relationship you two had– he compared it to the way our father was with us. And my brother doesn't speak of things like that very often, if at all."

I point my eyes to the ground as I continue to try to catch my breath. My thoughts are scattered; one second I'm thinking about Mr. Stark, the next I'm trying to think of what to say to Shuri, the next I'm focusing on calming down, and so on. 

"Hey," she coaxes me out of my thoughts, tilting her head to catch my eye. "Do you want to talk about it?"

I'm silent for a moment, but eventually I take a deep breath. My response comes out as whisper.

_Sure._

"Okay. I'm here for you, Peter." Her calm words help steady my breathing and I nod as I start to talk. 

_Mr. Stark and I were really close. He recruited me right after your dad died, I think. It was for the big fight between the Avengers. Ever since then, he's always been there for me, no matter what. Whenever I needed him, he was there. Even if I didn't need him, he was there. He was always a constant for me. _

_And now he's gone._

My voice trembles as I voice the thoughts that have been plaguing my mind since the weight of his death crashed down on me. I haven't even talked to Aunt May about this, but for some reason, Shuri is exactly who I feel like I should be talking to right now. I'm not sure whether it's because she's gone through something like this, or if I've just broken enough to talk to anyone who offers to listen. Either way, I'm surprisingly okay with the idea of opening up to her.

_I've tried deleting his phone number from my phone six times since he's died. I used to call him about anything: if I needed help, if I was sad, if I was happy, or if I just wanted to talk to him. I've tried to call him so many times without thinking since he's died. A couple times I've actually called him, and the phone rang for a few seconds before I realized._

_Being here today really... destroyed me, honestly. I feel like I shouldn't be here. I don't belong. I don't belong here, with his friends, with his family, his real, blood family, who are all mourning for the family member they lost. I'm not a part of them. I feel like I shouldn't be mourning here, like I'm disrespecting their family time together to mourn for Mr. Stark by being here. I feel like I shouldn't be this torn apart._

"Peter, grief isn't like power. You grieving isn't going to take away from Pepper's grief, or Morgan's, or Happy's or Rhodey's, or anyone else's. It's not like there's a set amount of grief for everyone to use. You're allowed to grieve. And you're wrong to say that you don't belong here; if anything, you don't belong out here, alone. You should be inside, with Pepper and Morgan. If anyone understands how you're feeling right now, it's them.

"I get how you're feeling about not belonging. _I_ feel like I shouldn't be here. But that's because I'm at a funeral for a man I had only heard stories about and never met. You, on the other hand, Peter... you shouldn't feel like this. You're grieving, and you're grieving hard. But you can't try to compare your grief to someone else's. That's not fair to yourself. You'll never heal if you do that."

Shuri's words come out tenderly but firm, and I can't help but nod. Logically, I know she's right. That's not the issue. It's convincing myself that she's right and that I'm allowed to feel this way that's going to be difficult. I tell her this, and she nods as well.

"It's not supposed to be easy, Peter. If it were easy, death wouldn't be as big of a deal. You saw all of the people who came today, yes?"

I nod hesitantly, though I'm not entirely sure if I did see everyone. I know I saw a few: Cap, Happy, Rhodey, and obviously Miss Potts and Morgan, but I genuinely can't remember if I saw anyone else. Shuri seems to sense this as she speaks up again.

"There was dozens of people here. Half of them I've never met before. A couple of them I still don't even really know. But they're all here. They're all grieving, just like you are, and I'm sure at least a couple people are feeling the same way you are. You aren't alone– honestly, after all of the stories I heard about you, I thought that you'd feel a bit overwhelmed at the amount of people here that can and want to help you. But I get it. Everyone grieves differently, but the way your trying to ignore your grieving is going to be painful, Peter. I'm sorry if this is sounding harsh, but I just want the best for you. I've heard many good things about you, and it hurts to see someone so kind is this much pain."

I feel new tears spring to my eyes as Shuri speaks and my breathing, though it's calmed some, begins to shudder. Even so, each words she says sinks into my memories and stay there, and I nod jerkily. We both stay silent for a few moments before Shuri speaks up again, her voice coming out as a whisper but still speaking volumes.

"I felt the same way about my father's death."

_Really? W-Why?_

"It's strange; I've never really been able to figure out why. Possibly it was because I wasn't next for the throne, or because we've always been a bit distant with our parents, but I was especially distant with my father, or because I felt like I was making up grief due to that, even though the emotions I felt were real. I'm not really sure. But I do know that I felt the exact same way you do, and that's why I'm trying to help you. It took a long time to properly grieve my father's death. It hurt. I don't want you to have to go through the same thing I did."

The words hit me suddenly, and I'm not sure how to react to them. I knew about her father's death, of course. She mentioned it earlier and it happened right before I was recruited by Mr. Stark. But I didn't know anything she just told me, and I don't know what to do now. So instead of relying on my words to carry me through, which I doubt they would, I nod again. This time, I meet Shuri's eyes with the hopes that she can see the gratitude they hold for her sharing her story.

A small buzz distracts Shuri for the first time since she's sat down, and with a quick movement of her hand a hologram appears from the bracelet on her wrist. What looks like a miniature version of T'Challa pops up.

"We're leaving in about five minutes, Shuri. I'll meet you out front by then, okay?" The hologram says, and Shuri nods.

"Okay. I'll see you then," she says back, and she raises a hand again but is suddenly stopped.

"Wait!" T'Challa exclaims quickly, and Shuri holds her hand in place. "Make sure you say goodbye to at least Pepper before you leave. It'd be nice if you said goodbye to some of the other people as well, but you must say goodbye to Pepper."

"Yes, brother, I will," Shuri promises in an exhausted tone. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

Without waiting for a response, Shuri waves her hand and the small king disappears from her wrist, and I look to her in awe. 

"Wakandan technology. The rest of the world still doesn't have these, I presume?" Shuri asks, and I shake my head.

_Definitely not. They're incredible, though._

"Thanks, I helped design them. You should swing by our labs at some point; I hear you're pretty good in the science field. Maybe we could tinker around and make something cool one of these days," Shuri suggests, and for the first time since Mr. Stark's death, I feel a smile grow on my face.

_Yeah, that sounds awesome._

"Sweet!" Shuri reaches into a pocket that I didn't notice until now and pulls out her phone, an advanced tech that would probably take me hours to figure out. She taps quickly on it before holding it out to me. "Type in your phone number so we can set a day?"

_O-oh, yeah, of course! _I type in my number quickly before giving the phone back to her, and she gives me a soft smile.

"Thanks. Also, don't be alarmed if I send you texts every now and then checking in on you. We're friends now, and I need to make sure my friend is holding up alright, okay?" I nod, a grateful smile resting on my face. She pulls me into another tight hug, and I feel my breathing shake against her, but she doesn't seem to mind. After a few seconds, she lets go and stands up.

"I have to go. I'll talk to you soon, though, yeah?" 

My eyes are still blurry with tears, but I lift a hand and start to wipe them away as I respond.

_Yeah. Thank you, Shuri._

"Of course. I'll text you later, Peter."

With that, the Wakandan princess walks away and I find myself sitting alone again. This time, however, my mind isn't spinning and pushing out thoughts at incredible speeds. I'm able to breathe again, and though tears are still spilling out of my eyes, they don't sting as much.

Only one thought takes over my mind now, and it's one that I think I can deal with: I need to stay.

**✰✰✰**

I'm walking out of the house with Peter's water in hand, the task taking a few minutes longer than I had anticipated after I saw Pepper and talked to her. She's holding up much better than I expected her to; I certainly was a much bigger mess at Ben's funeral, and I'm in awe of the way that she's managed to keep her composure. I'm almost not shocked, though. I had never met Pepper before today, but I'd be a bit surprised if Tony's wife was anything different than the strong and beautiful woman I just met.

I take a breath as I close the patio door behind me, and I turn to walk down the stairs. It isn't until I'm halfway down and pull my attention from my stepping to where Peter was sitting when I left him when I realize that he's not alone anymore. Seated next to him is a young lady that I recognize immediately as the princess of Wakanda, though that's as far as my knowledge on her goes. I saw her brother, the king, roaming inside and talking to a few of the other people here, but the same goes for him. Wakanda is not a country I know a whole lot about, but apparently their royalty was close with Tony.

I slowly continue down the stairs, switching the water glass from my right hand to my left as the ice starts to cool the glass down. I'm about to call out to Peter when I see the princess lean in and wrap Peter in a hug, and it's at this time when I notice that Peter's shoulders are slightly shaking, like he's been crying. She pulls out of the embrace after a few seconds, and Peter raises a hand to dry his eyes. After a short exchange of words, the princess stands and walks toward me. She passes me without a word and I turn to watch her go inside, the door closing behind her quietly and leaving me and Peter outside alone. I turn back to the lawn and finally walk down the stairs, my shoes hitting the grass and carrying me toward Peter. After a few seconds, I reach him, and I walk around him to meet his eyes so he isn't startled by me.

"Sorry I took so long, love," I tell Peter softly as I hand him the glass. He reaches out with a somewhat steady hand and takes it. "Do you want to go home now?"

He waits a moment before responding, but when he does, a small smile rests on his face. "No. I think we should stay. Can we go in?"

I'm a bit surprised by his change of mind, but I try not to show it as I reply. "Of course," I say, and he stands.

"Is Miss Potts still in there? I want to see her," Peter asks, and I nod my head.

"I just talked to her, so she should still be there." Peter nods his head and starts to walk toward the stairs. I stay to his right, and once we reach the patio I slow. "You know you don't have to do this, right? It's totally okay if you want to go home," I tell him gently, placing a hand onto his arm.

"I know," he says, offering me a small smile. "But I want to. It'll help, I think."

"Okay, Pete. As long as you want to."

Peter starts walking again, and I follow him loosely. He reaches the door and enters without hesitation, and I watch through the tinted glass as he walks up to Pepper first and wraps her in an embrace. I'm a bit astonished by the change of mind from before I left him to after, but I don't say anything about it yet. Instead, I walk in the house and find a few people to talk to, letting Peter do his own thing. As I walk up to Happy and Rhodey, who have found spots on the opposite side of the living room, I can't help but search for Peter in the small crowd. He's still with Pepper, but is also now talking to Morgan, and though I see tears staining his face I can tell that the soft smile on his face is genuine. A small smile of my own appears at the sight of him talking to them, of the idea that he's finally allowing himself to start healing.

It's only been a few minutes, but I can already tell that Peter's decision to stay was the right one.

**Author's Note:**

> so this was basically my crappy attempt at the idea of peter and shuri bonding, but instead of bonding over memes like everyone always does, they bond over lost father figures. i don't particularly love how this turned out but it took months for me to write (i started it in early august.. eek!) so i thought i'd post it!  
anyway, thank you so much for reading! it would mean the world if you left kudos or a comment, i love getting feedback from you all! hope you enjoyed <3


End file.
